My Freshman Year
The First Semester
So much has happened I am far from the person, I was in the beginning, but I am still me. That is never going to change. More than anything though I just want to walk away from this year, and only reach back in my file to learn from this year, and never relive it. So much has happened that i can't really explain or wrap my head around. I went to my first funeral, and actually wanted to open up to someone and got hurt by it. I learned that live has limits, but they can be pushed. I have gain and lost so much from this year, but hey it isn’t over yet.

To start the year out, I wasn't really nervous I knew the school from past shows and summer school, I had a boyfriend Greg. He was good to me and sweet, things didn't really seem right though, he was a different person at school and away from school, I guess I just didn't understand. Not far into school I started thinking about breaking up with him and why i would want to, just as soon as I made my mind up not to break up with him, I get a phone call, where he was breaking up with me. I kept telling myself I shouldn't let it get to me, I knew it was bound to happen; we were friend not meant to be anything more. I mean how great could I relationship be that started off with me with his best friend. I kind of miss Michael Peele, he was great guy, always knew the right thing to say, it cracks me up every time I think of those days at the pool, where he kissed me and everyone else on the forehead, and the day i got caught skipping school trying to go see him before he went into work.

Trying to get over the Greg situation, I kind of drifted back to my old 7th grade crowd of kids, where I met a new guy, Mitch, trying to keep up with him and homework was interesting. We never dated or anything, but i really like him, and i know he liked me too, something didn't feel right, and I didn't like that he did so many drugs all the time. He was always there for me though, even when I wasn't. I really wanted to over look the drug thing but it was to hard for me to handle that, and I didn't want to get into that stuff. I want to make something of myself and drugs would only hinder me. Then I saw Stephen, the story with Mitch wouldn't be complete without him. That showing my immaturity, and how I should think, and stop just reacting. I fell for Stephen, with Mitch still in the picture, and Stephen and I broke up 3 times in 4 days, all because of Mitch, all of those break ups were him, not me. Mitch told him something he believed. All of this going on while trying to keep up in Spanish, and Pirates of Penzance. Stephen would show up in the middle of rehearsal and I would try to sneak out there when I could. But finally I gave up, I broke up with him. This whole thing Greg didn't like, the friendship that had dwindled after the break-up was gone because he didn't like Stephen. After Greg had dated like 4 or 5 girls and the first one was 14 years old even after he made a big deal about waiting till i turned 15 and then dating me. I mostly connect our hate towards each other, to the night of the Tiger Roast I had hung out with Stephen until it started, things happened there that shouldn't had, I was scared and I trusted Greg and all he did was hang up on me, the time I needed him most but he just called me a liar and a whore and push me. I needed him that night more than anything, he had always been the one to cheer me up but no I had to stand alone, and take it. I guess it made me stronger. While trying to end things with Stephen because I hate the way he treated me out in public, and even alone. I hate the way he acted even when it was just me and him and Cody or TJ. The way he would push me into walls, and call me trash, and treat me like it too. Still I stayed, what I wanted from that I don't know, I guess I thought he was the only one who would tell me they loved me like that. Or just hold me for awhile, and kiss me on the forehead. I don't know why I thought that was worth it. I really thought I could be stronger than that and not let a boy take me down, but damn he did, he took me way down. But more than anything I was scared, I get scared to easily and to often, blinded by raw emotion. I did a bad thing to Mitch I know it, I was a bitch, and I'm sorry but now I'm glad we talk again, I don't think we will ever be as close as we were back then. But I will never forget, but I want to forget the day I followed you across the parking lot, you with that witched smile of yours, knowing he caused another break up, in a sick twisted way, I wanted to cry but no I just got angry, making things worse.

Things kind of worked theresleves out, I just kind of cut off communication, I got hurt, and I hurt them. Time went on, life went on. The performance of Pirates of Penzance was one of the fondest experiences of my life, I wanted to have a party with the cast like I did for our summer show, HighSchoolMusical, December 1st, to be exact, Dayton and Kirk showed up early, and a few other people from time to time, but then importantly Kiefer, Ben, and Joe show up. If you don't know, Kiefer, and Dayton hate each other, and have for as long as I can remember. Dayton gets pissed and leaves squalling the tires and then texting Kiefer making fun of him for having on testical, yeah that’s right Dayton make fun of a kid would has cancer. Then they took a picture in front of the chalkboard that said "I care about Kiefer". The party was good, I wasn't really at my own party I was more in the guest bedroom with Ben, JT, and Kailey. Wrestling and blinding each other, and cuddling.

That day I really started to like Ben more than I did, I met Ben four years earlier, and I thought he was the cutest thing ever, but that night, it was different. We started to hang out, quite often, I got to know him, Joe, and Daniel. I love those boys, I still do, I really did fall for Ben, like more than I ever have before. Maybe because there was mystique, and didn't act like he liked me that much, like more than a friend. I know it doesn't make sense now, but it didn't make sense then either. I loved spending time with him, he always had a way of making me think, and he really was sweet. No matter how much he says it, or anyone else, he truly is a good guy, not a drug like he says, but a good guy. Going to see "I am Legend" with him, Joe, Daniel, and Katie was a lot of fun. I got really scared and he just held me, in a cheesy kind of way and how much I wished the movie would end, I didn't want the moment to end. Gosh, I know I'm cheesy. Then when he was taking me home, he played Johnny Cash, but there in my drive way I made a big mistake or at least that’s what I linked it to, because everything after that changed. I asked him out and he said yes, but then he doesn't call for two days, then Christmas comes, and the day after I hang out with him and Joe and I'm the usual pillow it seems, Everything seems a little, not the usual, and then he goes camping and then on some trip, and that was it, no end. I think that’s why it took me forever to get over it, I had no closure. So I had to try to force my own closure. He had a million and one excuses, but it doesn't matter anymore. I don't care, but I do.

The Second Semester
I did gain from the Ben thing, Joe is one of the most unique, and interesting people I have ever met. He is so awesome, He is God. Wow, good times, good times. He is an amazing writer, and an all around great guy, I don't think he could ever lie. Then there is Daniel Stine, I truly owe him a lot. He always has a way of making me smile, Sunshine. I feel so bad when i don't understand what wrong with him, he seems so sad sometimes, and I want to make him happy or make thing better but I just don't know how, I wish I did. Ben and Daniel basically saved my life. Spring break, I believe it was a Tuesday, I got dumped, had to have track practice in the pouring rain, and sit and wait for Jenny to pick me up for like an hour. Then went to some strangers’ house in north Springfield, to take care of a drunk guy and be pushed around by some chicks’ boyfriend. Then to sneak out for the first time in my life, in the middle of a flood, and go to some guys house with these girls, where there was a ton of drugs, and me the little straight-edge kid that I am freaked out and left not knowing where the hell i was really, Soaked from head to toe, and I was pretty sure there was a guy following me, I was scared. I called Daniel, I didn't know who to call, but I called him, I don't know why I should have probably called someone else, but I didn't. He still came and picked me up took me back to Ben's house. I hadn't really talked to Ben in a long time. They still let me hang out there, I'm forever in debt to them, I want to thank them so much for that, I hope they realize how much that meant to me.
I snuck out, one night with Ben, Daniel, and Kiefer. We went backroading it was one of the neatest experiences of my life. It was a blast!

Before that whole spring break thing, Chad happened. It wasn't really the relationship or a bad-breakup that is notable, but how he affected me, in so many ways. The dog tags, what he said, how he forever changed my outlook on life, and everything that it entails. He taught me to never regret, to life forever day, to stop planning for the future and realize my life is happening now and not then. The day he gave me the dog tags sitting there on the bus he handed them to me, and told me what they meant to him originally, this is loose from memory. They were his dad's dog tags from when he was in Iraq, he always blamed that for not having a childhood, and loosing what he loved, and moving so much. He pushed his brother out from in front of a car, and took the hit and now will forever have a caved in chest because of it. He blamed himself saying that it was bad thing that those things happened, that he wasn't good enough to be alive, that he was upset,t hat he lost everything he loved, he blamed it on the war. I tried to open his eyes to that things are not always as they seem, I just tried to comfort him, but the tags are now mine, and there is more of a better explanation on my page. I just can't seem to put it in words today. He taught me to not care all the time, that I can't hold everyone up all the time, that there is more to life, than taking care and holding everyone else up. That I can win to. He says he is going to drop out and join the marines, that scares the hell out of me I don't want to loose him!

Andy is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, hands down. He is my other half, my best friend, the only person i truly trust with all of my heart. He is my strength, I can't wait till I see him in 3 weeks and two days, till we move to Boston together, till we take over the world together. Till we stand in the middle of Newberry street until they call the cops on us, until we make our mark! I have never met anyone like him, we just match each other and he is the hottest thing on this planet. I love how is so into music just like me, owning his own record company, playing guitar, and piano, and bass, and singing to me late at night when I had a bad day. The long talks while he is driving home from work where we can say what seems to everyone else as nonsense, but have one of the funniest and best conversations of our life. I love him with everything in my being.

Billy, such a sweetie but unfortunately terribly obsessed with his car, if he spent half as much attention to girls as that car, he would be more popular than Hugh. He is terribly adorable, and we always have a blast together, whether we are watching movies in my basement playing pool, hanging out at the park in his truck, or back roading and ending up on some land with weird passages down a creek bed and up a field. Exploring and having a goodtime. I have so much fun talking cars with him, making fun of him and calling him gay, I know he isn't. But I hate how for the last week he has been calling saying how much he wants to hang out and then when he tells me we are going to hang out, he calls a little bit earlier and makes up some excuse. I will be amazed when that boy finally shows up on time! My family adores him, luckily. Maybe it's all an act, or a defence thing. Guys are confusing. I don't understand they are so hard to read.

Kris is such a good guy. Even after the breakups last year, we are still friends, well closer than ever really. I still go up and get a bear hug from him on an almost daily basis. I like that we have stayed friends for so long.

Steven S. we got to be friend before he left for Basic, he left Feburary 14th. I wait for his call every sunday, and I can't wait til I get to see him July 3rd, he is only going ot be here for 2 weeks then be shipped off to a base in New York, then from there in November is leaving to Iraq!! He is leaving to freaking Iraq as military police. That is a dangerous job. I don't want him to die in some carside bombing I think I have lost enough in my life, I don't want to lose a friend life him!!

My Health was the hardest for me to handle this year, not knowing what was going to happen with me. The effects of the drugs the put me on, the effects of the testing. I hated the doctors. I was nervous I was scared, I wanted to wake up and it wasn't real. Andy stood by myside the whole time, he didn't leave me. The scariest thing to ever happen to me and he made me feel so much better about it!

The Girls
I hate the girls in my class well most of them really...or maybe just a few and I don't hate them I'm being to dramatic. Just in the last week in really seems that I have had any major problems with anyone. In particular Brittany, This is the original blog written about me:
(2) mandi is a freak. can't take it anymore. she's a compulsive liar and wants attention and her and jenny are complete and utter sluts since they shake their booty for guys to see it. especially mandi, with how she puts her lips and talks. she's too fat to do that crap. she over acts. her performance grossed both me AND dani out because of her leg. makes me thinks she's a whore. she is friend's with seniors and a college guy. no one cares. so no one wants to her about it. i know that she did not take her top off in front of them as a dare. ben said all that stuff because he doesn't like to mean. she's not in love with him. older guys are not in love with her. they only tell her that because they think she's easy. she thinks she's the shit. everyone talks shit about her. and if she wasn't such a liar and attention grabber, we would totally be cool.

The second blog:
look, i have been holding in the mandi thing in for a llloooonnnnnnnggggg TIME. and i decided that i wasn't to anymore. the reason why i hadn't said anything was because i knew i was going to use mandi as an example like that i didn't want to hurt her feelings. truth is, its not honestly a mandi thing. it is a butt shaking thing. the only thing that it was at all about mandi was the butt shaking, the lying, and older friends. which i know sounds like everything, but trust me, its not. the butt shaking doesn't involve the "whore" and "slut". that's referring to girls who sleep around and if my butt starts to "sway" a little bit, i FREAK out. and that's how i feel. like a "whore" and "slut". as for the lying, she does lie. we all know that she lies. but that's okay. i think there's a reason as to why she does this sometimes to get attention, or that feels the need to attention this way. and i would love to know why, like give a physcolol (sp) session. but i know she would never agree to it and it would hurt her feelings. so i never have because i have never wanted to hurt mandi's feelings. and she doesn't need to attention that way, she doesn't need it. everyone loves mandi and give her the same amount of attention if she didn't do that. and she just talks about having friends that are older because she's proud about it. hey, if i was friends with daniel, ben, and joe, i would probably brag about it myself. okay, so that was a lie. i wouldn't brag about it. but they're really nice friends to have so its understandable. and i love mandi to pieces. i have always said that and will continue to say that because its the truth. i really do. she is a wonderful girl, but her actions sometimes don't make the best out of her. as for the rest of that "summary" item, it was just ranting about all other girls.

My Response ( I just wrote back to the second one):
i would agree actually
maybe then you would understand
by the way the way you walk is a habitual and heritary action therefore judgments on a person cannot be held solely to an action like that
Her Response to that-
Whaa???

Then The Message she sent to me today 5/20-
Subject Line [I wanted to tell you in person]
Body- [that im sorry. terribly sorry. but you won't let me. and frankly, i wouldn't blame you if you if you read my blog that way. it was my way of expressing myself about how im so different, and how my views are different. i just want things to be like the 1800s. people with morals. who don't go around sleeping with each other all the freaking time. today's society has completely changed, and it just bothers me to the extreme is all.

and i know that doesn't make up for what i did. i shouldn't have used you as an example. "she" never referred to you. well except for the bragging part. but that's it. and when i say "slut" and "whore" that also doesn't refer to you. im just venting. but i thought people would see it that way. obviously not. people, including you, think that i called you a whore and slut and what not and was talking about you. that's not the case.

i should stop. because it probably sounds like im making excuses. my point is, im terribly sorry and i never ment to hurt you.
im also sorry i have to apologize this way.]


I didn’t reply to her, I don’t think I will because this sounds like a load of crap. No one goes around in there blog, saying this is their own journal and that people should stop reading it and then send a personal message to me, defending herself if that the way she feels then fine. I don’t care she really isn’t worth my time. We weren’t ever close enough, and she disgraced me, and I will never be able to be friends with her again.

Then there is Ashley, in the middle of lunch saying she is glad I didn’t win the election, because I am a whore, and a slut, and a bitch. All I could really say was yeah, I know I am a bitch but I am no whore. Where do people come off saying that? She goes around acting like my friend and does this?
I sat there on the bus the next day hearing her and two other girls go on and on about how horrible of a person I am, when I have never done a damn thing to them, I sat there as Chad put his arm around me, just taking it, and I’ll admit I cried I let it get to me, I don’t know why, I shouldn’t have cared at all. But taking the whole Ashley, Brittany, Sarah, and my parents; I was breaking. I was broken. I don’t go around sleeping with people, I’m not easy hunny.
I guess I didn’t go into the Sarah thing or the thing with my family. I guess to start off, even though this thing is already hella long. Sarah and I have been best friends on and off for over 7 years. This last week things happened, I confronted Ashley and when that was over I was super upset, and Sarah started following me yelling down the hallway only attracting more attention to the situation than needed. I just said back "Shut up" and "Fuck off" I was ticked off enough then she goes and saying my full name which I hate being called that!!! My name is Mandi thank you!!!
I love my parents, but sometimes I wish I could run away. They make it so hard sometimes! All the chores, and they make it hard for me the constant yelling. I don't know what they want from me, I try so hard to make them happy but it doesn't always work obviously.

The surprisingly good surpise out of this is that me and Dani are getting closer! I love that girl. We have so much in common and its so fun when we chill together. I can't wait til we pull pranks on the pizza man again! and watch great movies all night long! she is the best!!!

How I have seemed to change
Beginning of the year
My bestfriends:
1. Kailey Martin [Kai Bayy]
2. Greg Robeson

End of year
1. **Andy Genelle** <-- I love that boy!!
2. Sarah Burke

People that haven't changed:
Blake Ewing [the fat man], Zach Gilmer [the gay], Derek Markeson [the woman,
Dani [the bitch], Dakotah [the bastard]...Lunch table jokes...
hannah, nichol, Sarah Burton....Those are the main ones.


This wouldn't be complete with out talking about, Alex Varley. He died last November. I will miss him forever, he was the nicest person you would ever meet and always cared about everyone. Don't ever judge someone on their looks you never know how great a person truely is no matter the color of their clothing. RIP Alex I will love you forever!

I think I covered pretty much everything.

I'm not who I used to be, I have grown up. But I have no regrets, I have learned from my past. Its only made be better and stronger.
I have become more of myself. I am opening up and I am damn proud of what I have become, I worked hard, and school didn't suck to bad. This was one of the hardest years of my life, in losing friends, school work, health, and my family. That has made me that much stronger.